Letting go

Gradually I have been letting go and letting life take me to strange places, interesting people, and gaining a different perspective of my usual surroundings. Life has been so fun and sweet and I feel like a piece of dust that is being tossed happily by the wind.

The Mel that set boundaries and rigid expectations has relaxed and is enjoying whatever comes to her. Randomness dominates her life. I was looking at Sydney Harbour from different scenic locations at 3-6am in the morning - Vaucluse, Cremorne, Mrs Macquaries Chair and more. I didn't stop to think why Jesse was showing me all these scenic points but just went with the flow and I guess the beauty of it all answered my question. I didn't even think about capturing the beauty with my camera- I just soaked it all in at that moment. I've met people from the DJ world who seem to live in a totally different world to me, avoiding reality and watched them be wild creatures in their underground world. I caught glimpses of what makes Jesse who he is over Chai tea and hot chocolate in a random Newtown coffee shop with asian bamboo plants and Mexican lampshades. A breaks DJ who used to go to UFO meetings and got a UAI of 99.1? Some strange paradoxes there!

I do have lows. It was only a few days ago I was crying in my bed because I selfishly didn't want Chris to leave. Especially since we've grown closer. And then I met Jesse and we clicked so well and he has taught me to learn that everything is ok and has given me a different perspective about life. He has to leave soon too! So I'm not looking forward to the day when the two people I have been closest to lately will disappear from my life. But I'll be ok. I've gone through a lot of changes and there are more coming this year but I'll go through it.

Craaazzzzyyyy long weekend!

I had a pretty fun, crazy, random weekend! And lots of pics to go with it!

Friday: WING's 21 party @ OSCARS

The birthday girl Wing

Group of us

Me and James

Me and Mel Ann Chan

QFs


Wing's bday was fun! I've been a regular at Oscars lately with their great bar staff and friendly atmosphere (hehe)! The motto for that night was "Fuck it!". So when Jonno said he's going to build a fountain when he gets rich because Sydney is lacking fountains, we said "I'll build a fuckin fountain!". And Dom's regular "Motherfucka!". All a bit trashed. Went to Verandah Bar afterwards and there was a long queue. I enjoyed being in the queue and didn't want to actually go in. That's what happened- we waited for an hour while I talked to this girl in the line who said, "You're the girl with the alcohol t-shirts at uni! I heard ur crazy!". I felt sorry for the people in the queue who had to listen to our opinions. Anyways, we then sat in Martin Place and chatted and then went home.

Saturday: Wedding (Vaucluse House) & Medric's 21st (Bondi Road Hotel)

Andrew and Amy kiss

Birthday boy Medric

Me, Chris, Limo

Party full of either Grammar boys or Ascham girls but there were some gems there. Apparently guys didn't talk to me as much when I was single because they respected Danny. But now that I am, they fully express all their opinions and swear their hearts out at me which is good. Funny Ascham girls- one of them asked if I was a lesbian. Wtf?? At first people thought me and Limo were going out because we were both asian. And when refuted, they assumed Chris and I were going out because we're both asian. No, we are not lesbians.

Sunday: WE LOVE SOUNDS @ THE HORDERN PAVILLION, then THE WORLD BAR, then YU

A mix of my own photos and professional photos off websites. Crappier ones are mine.

Me, Michelle, Chris @ the front

Pretty lights on stage which I took


Haha


Crowd shot


Kid Kenobi (Jesse) playing @ Sounds; Jesse


Me and Jesse @ the World Bar


We Love Sounds was pretty ok. A bit of a weird, mixed crowd like Field Day. Funny moments- me running around after Chris because she was becoming paranoid that there were cops chasing us and that anyone wearing sunnies was a cop. Good moments- being at the front. Uncomfortable moments- seeing some people who haven't been asleep for days including some people I met from Heartbreak High and some people I know. Chris and I then left a little early and went to the World bar. Was a pretty ok place and then bumped into Kid Kenobi who by coincidence was there too! He was very sweet and nice and we hung out with them. I met MC Shureshock, Q45 and there were others like Fuzzy organisers and other DJs but I was not in a conversational mode so didn't talk to anyone really. It was great meeting the people who produce my favourite CDs though and my all time favourite performers. and MC Shureshock doesn't speak really fast in real life like he does in his music.

We then left and it headed to other places. It was weird walking with Kid Kenobi (Jesse) because he got recognised and asked stupid questions on the streets and stuff. But its good having someone around who can get you in anywhere for free, with staff giving u free drinks and VIP seats! So I sat behind the DJ decks which is usually reserved for DJs and their bitchy gfs and drugged out friends. Other DJs like Illya and others were there but once again I wasn't conversational so didn't feel like talking to anyone. Didn't like the constant stares from people as well - I was wearing sneakers, jeans and baggy jumper but who cares they liked me for who I am and maybe its good for a change not to have blond hair like everyone else. Was an awesome night and left at 8am but they headed on back to Tom's (Q45) place to play janga and other random stuff. I was a bit of a goody goody and headed home. Chris stayed with them till Tuesday though! Jesse was pretty cool and on the same wavelength as me - he even told me to stop thinking about stuff and overanalysing and just 'Live the Moment'. Funny that.

Living the Moment

From what I remember from 3 unit English, juxtaposition is putting two words or images together which are usually not brought together side by side to create a meaning. Lying groggily in my bed this morning, I had two images of last night in my mind and in my procrastination to get up, I created a meaning out of those images. Haha!

When I was crossing Pyrmont Bridge last night, I was picturing myself as a vagabond, and had memories of my trip overseas to Europe last year where I walked around cities that did not know me and was just by myself with nobody to call on me. (Recall my previous posts about feeling like "dust" floating around). I looked down at the harbour and Darling Harbour and was once again captivated by its beauty. The air smelled so sweet (such a cliche term but it really was sweet!) and I was just happily strolling and absorbing my surroundings.

A bit later on that night, I was on the same bridge again but I was shaking and shivering and couldn't hear what Chris was saying because my teeth were clanging together so hard so I could only hear the chatter of my teeth. I kept saying, "I think someone spiked my drink" because I felt so out of it and so drunk yet I only had 2.5 drinks and it was unusual that I was feeling this way. No, nobody spiked my drink but it wasn't until later that night at Arthouse Jason told me he put 5 shots in one drink and I was trying to keep up with everybody else so drank it relatively quickly. I felt like everyone was trying to feed me drinks - we even got drinks delivered to us from the bartender courteous of a mysterious stranger who purchased them for us but we had too much so left. Chris's lecturer (teaches "History of Nightlife" so was experiencing a bit of nightlife himself) hung out with us for a bit too. I didn't drink the drinks he bought me but gave them to Chris and soon she turned as drunk as me. We went to Together at Home and then the Arthouse but its not that fun when you feel so out of it.

The meaning created? When I was strolling on the bridge, I was optimistic and had hope (not for the night but just for the future in general) but when I came back from the bridge, the night didn't turn out how it was supposed to. People close to me know that I get upset/pissed off with myself when things don't turn out the way I want it to turn out. It's because it's all planned in my head how things will look and be but when the result is different, I get mad. I'm trying to let that go and Live the Moment, not expecting anything but just seeing how things go and where it will take me. It was only a few months ago that someone said to me, "No you're different. She's free spirited. She lives the moment. You're not like that". I know I am not like that but I have been improving. I don't expect things as much now and am just letting things happen and I don't get mad/upset when things don't turn out the way I expect. That's because I don't expect anything.

Tick tock tick ...

Breaking up with someone you've been together for years is not easy. But rationality finally overcame emotions and we broke up. It's not natural to have someone you've been closest to for 3 years to suddenly detatch from your life and force yourself not to speak to them at all. However, its the best way as you wait for the time to tick and keep on ticking so that the pain will subdue. If you contact the person, memories flare up again and time takes longer to heal the wounds.

A lot of people think I'm crazy for breaking up with Danny but a few do understand. We were going so well and he was so perfect, so understanding, and treated me so well. However, I was growing tired of being in a relationship and something in me was struggling for space and time alone to myself. I wasn't appreciative of him and he doesn't deserve that. Thinking about it rationally, I'm too young to be in such a long relationship, I haven't been alone for awhile and need to force myself out of my comfort zone to see how I will react to the world around me. What would Mel do and what direction would she take if she's alone with nobody to depend on? I think it's important in knowing yourself before you can happily commit to a relationship. I want to know my limits and how far I can cope and how strong I can be. I've taken a huge risk but can cope with the thought of us both knowing its the best for us both. I've been called selfish, I've been called stupid (by friends in a 'nice' way) yet I still think its the best way for us. Why keep on going on in a relationship when your heart is not fully into it?

"Happiness is being true to yourself, knowing who you are, and knowing what you want to do". I need some working on them all. Not that I'm not happy but I understand that those factors would contribute to long term happiness. I'm a bit all over the place and need to know the direction that I'm taking in life. But am I all over the place? Maybe it's just my own deceiving perception. Another thing to find out.

I had an interesting experience this week. Someone at work said I've been acting like a bitch and I've never been called a bitch before. I didn't take offence to it and was rather fascinated by this new identity that was given to me.

Another interesting thought- why can't people remember that a dance event is called "We love Sounds"? People call it 'A day of Sounds', 'A day of breaks' and today someone said 'Sounds are Good'. Anyways, I'll be going to We Love Sounds next weekend with 5499 other people and hearing Deep Dish play 'Flashdance' again (since its not overplayed enough) and Boogie Pimps (I can imagine my girlfriends and me singing enthusiastically and embarassingly loud to 'Sunny') plus other DJs (ahh.. I am in so much need of lots of good breaks music).